BlogHer09 Recap with a dash of Flashback.

I am not the girl I used to be.

A week ago today, I boarded a JetBlue plane (won’t fly any other airline) headed for Chicago.  I was on a mission: to meet my friends online and prove to myself, and every other doubter, that they were not in fact old men pretending to be women, mothers, friends.

A week ago today, I thought I knew who I was. By Thursday night last week, I started to realize how much I’ve changed without even realizing.

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In high school, I was well known within my wide circle of friends. At BHS, the music department was large and well-funded. We produced a musical each year, countless concerts and several classes of music theory entering composition contests locally and nationally.  We went to Disney to march in the parade every other year. The department was large, and there were times that I felt as if I were part of the proverbial upper-crust. As a sophomore, I landed a leading female part in the school’s rendition of Damn Yankees (I was Meg). I can still remember the exhilarating feeling of belting out my solo – “Six Months” – in front of a few hundred people three nights in a row.

When I wasn’t on stage, the underclassmen looked to me for advice and example; the upperclassmen were my friends and peers. The teachers and I had great relationships and I considered my band director a friend. I spent hours looping around the school in socks after hours, during long practices and rehearsal hours, dispensing advice and humor alike with my friends.  I was outgoing. I was funny. I was mature for my age. I was a mother hen. I was bearer of a flat stomach and subtle hourglass figure. I was clean – no drugs, no alcohol. I was admired. Most of all, I was outgoing. I could make friends in any crowd, and I had no fear at a party or in a room full of unknowns.

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Fast forward to last week.

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I spent the entire weekend feeling unsure of myself. It started early Thursday morning, as we boarded the plane to Chicago at 7:30am, my fellow passengers and I. I almost stopped myself as I crossed the threshold to the plane. I nearly turned around and went home, back where I knew the rules and the players and I could meet the expectations.  I didn’t. I sat down in seat C4, next to a friendly-looking girl about my age who slept the entire time. I couldn’t sleep, my stomach was fluttery. I couldn’t tweet, there was no WiFi.  I watched my little individual TV and listened to some music, trying to doze a bit but mostly wondering what the day would bring.

I knew, but I didn’t quite know, what the next four days would bring. I knew there would be a lot of people. I knew they would probably be friendly for the most part. I knew that I would recognize some of the big names, and some of the smaller names, and that a lot of people would be nameless to me.

I didn’t realize how anxious I would feel every single time I found myself alone. I didn’t think I would be the one clinging to my friend’s coattails. I didn’t realize that I would miss the parties because I was tired, homesick, and frankly scared of going and getting lost in a sea of people.

That said, it was wonderful. Yes, it was a learning experience for me. I realized that since I’ve had children, since I was married, since most of my ‘friends’ dumped and deserted me after high school… I was hesitant. Cautious. Nervous. But it didn’t matter, in the end. It was as awesome as I knew it could be. I had great roommates -the strong, fun and funny Grace, the admirable,talented and sweet Maria and Laurin, whom I didn’t know very well but learned has a sense of humor, a great sense of style and a warm smile.  I met the woman who inspired me to start blogging and whose writing routinely makes me cry the ugly cry, Stacey.  I met Issa, whose beautiful and touching post about her Uncle Mark was chosen for the Community Keynote, and whom I love because she won’t take shit from anyone.  I met Maura, whose witty tweets have always made  me smile.  I met the Amazing Greis, and yes, she really is Amazing. I met Kirsten and Kari, and whether they like it or not they are also now my forever-friends.  I spent time walking the streets of Chicago with Renee, and I couldn’t have chosen a better companion.

I met so many other women and men – I have a stack of business cards to sort through nearly three inches tall. I got a chance to hug Heather Spohr, and did my best not to make a sad clown face. I stopped Undomestic Diva to hug her and try not to gush about how freakin’ gorgeous I think she is. I never got the guts to stop Tanis, Catherine or Sweetney but I got close a few times. I’ll get it next year, I swear! I got threatened by Jessica Bern and I had dinner with OHMommy.  Anissa recognized me and knew who I was. I spent time with Jenny the Bloggess and I swear, she is 7 kinds of sweet and funny.  I had a drink with VDog in her hotel room and met Mrs. Flinger. I met the lovely Loralee and Maggie (Dammit).  I hugged Grace. I hugged Marinka, much to her dismay, and went to a session with her, too! She voluntarily spent time with me, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t for blog fodder. I spent the weekend in the company of so many amazing writers that I can’t quite process it all.

Maura, Stacey, Me, Issa

The best day was Saturday. I had started to feel more comfortable. I had dinner with about 17 other wonderful, amazing bloggers – anyone have a complete list? – and despite the mediocre service, it was awesome. We discussed divorce and marriage, kids and blogging, food and friendships and everything in between. After we got back to the hotel I got together with Kari, Kirsten, Maura, Marinka, Stacey, Renee, Issa and Ben (he does great impressions, btw). We all flopped in chairs and on beds, and giggled about blood pooling in our asses and flappy vaginas. It was the best part of the night. For me… it may have been the best part of the weekend.

I didn’t get enough pictures, though you can see what few I did take on my Flickr stream.  I didn’t go to many parties, and those I stopped in I didn’t stay long. I was in bed by 11pm almost every night and I got drunk once.

It was a blast. I loved meeting every single one of you. Did I forget to link up to you? Tell me, for realz, I want to give you linky love. I didn’t meet a single person I didn’t like.

I’m so glad I went. I can’t wait until next year. NYC, here I come!