Reinvent Yourself [Re-post]

I’ve had a rough week.  I’ve been working on me – trying to deal with my feelings towards my family, myself, my life. And now? Well I like to think that I’m on my way to becoming that beautiful butterfly.

Let me back up.

I think that if we were able to meet earlier versions of ourselves, our earlier versions would, in nearly all cases, kick our present-self’s a**, scorn us, spread nasty rumors about us in school, or otherwise show their utter disdain for our lives.

OK, fine, maybe it’s just me.

But seriously – at seventeen, I was sure that I would lose my virginity to the man that I married. I was sure that I would probably never get really drunk, except maybe once on my honeymoon. I was sure that I would be in school for music right now, finishing my Master’s, and that I would be composing awesome music, and doing musical theatre, and generally putting myself out there and showing the world how freakin’ amazing I was. I was sure that I would have an amazing relationship with my family, that I would probably have my own apartment and an awesome side job that allowed me to retain my individuality and creativity, and that I would still be in touch with all my high school teachers. Especially Mr. L.

My 17-yr old self would definitely not have suspected that I’d have a small blue sedan gray almost-minivan with cheese puffs crushed into the carpet. She wouldn’t suspect that, at the tender age of 23, I would be ready to give birth to my second child. She would never have guessed that I’d marry a guy I’d know for 6 months, and she definitely would have laughed, heartily, at the idea that my husband would be a military man. (He’s finished his term now, by the way.)

At 23, I expected to be having a lot of fun, exploring my creativity, and living it up. I don’t think I figured that would include trips to the park to see the longest slide around, crayons, and staying up past 10pm (whoo-hoo!)

But you know what? It’s OK.

I love it. I love this. And while there are still a lot of dreams that I’m not wiling to give up – I would forfeit it all for this family of mine. I didn’t expect that. I didn’t expect to have two children so early. I didn’t expect to have a husband that I love quite this much. I didn’t even think love like this really existed. I didn’t realize that there is nothing, NOTHING more fulfilling than teaching your daughter to say a new word and understand what it means. I don’t think I realized that there would be nothing more likely to bring a tear to my eye than that same little girl calling my best friend from middle school, Mike, “Unc” (uncle).  I never knew that it would hurt so good to see her growing up.

A part of me misses Cat (my former self). The daring, pink-hair, outgoing, dramatic, don’t-care-what-you-think-ok-so-maybe-i-do-but-i’ll-never-show-it Cat. The girl who was popular, but only amongst the music geeks and band dorks. Cat, who spent all her spare time in the music theory room, trying to compose something meaningful. If I’d known how it would feel to be a parent, I wouldn’t have had an ounce of trouble creating a sonata. I wouldn’t have had any lack of inspiration for a base line. I could have created the most beautiful choruses.

Cat isn’t gone. She isn’t lost. She’s still here, but she is often smelly from lack of shower, and unmotivated and exhausted. She is often insecure about what other mothers may think, and weary of the day to day drama that comes with family. Cat wishes she had time for music lessons, and music composition, and community theatre.

But MommyGeek… MommyGeek knows that there is nothing better than spending time with my daughter while she counts to 10. There is nothing better than ducking as she tests out her throwing arm with a ball that is way too hard – who gave that to her? MommyGeek knows that the other day, when I made it to the grocery store and home within an hour, WITH a toddler, right before dinner time – that is true victory, and it is sweet. Oh so sweet.

MommyGeek knows that hugs and kisses from a little girl who wants to know “You ok?” are better than any medicine. iMommy knows that she has the best husband in the world (for me). MommyGeek knows that the next little one will be just as much of a wonder, even while Cat is recoiling at the thought of more diapers, spit up, and unglamorous outings to the park.

I believe that each day, we have the opportunity to redefine ourselves. Each hour. Each minute. We can change as we need. Cat is a part of my self, but she is a part that will be dormant for a little while. It’s MommyGeek’s turn to shine.

And let me just say this, because it’s important, and I wish that someone had said it to me when I was starting this MommyGeek journey: It might happen overnight for some people. But not everyone. Some women struggle with post-partum depression for 6 months before doing anything about it. Some women never fully recover from that depression. Some women finally realize that they are enjoying their daughter, fully, for the first time when she turns 2. Some women don’t really embrace Mommy until later. And I think that’s OK. As long as our children are happy, it’s OK. As long as we find that happiness, it’s OK.

So while this is all wonderful, and amazing, it wasn’t so amazing at first. It was terrifying. It was new. It was different. It was too much. And it took me a while to reinvent myself and become MommyGeek. And next? Next I need to figure out how to be both: Cat and MommyGeek. We all need balance. You know what the best thing for balance is? Beautiful [butterfly] wings.

Just you wait. Mine will be twinkling in the sunlight before long, alternately blending into the background or bursting with color and light.

Photo Credits:
Top (originally uploaded by lappid.)
Bottom (Neil Durden)

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This post originally posted on my previous blog, on August 13th, 2008.  I was heavily pregnant with Geeklet at the time. I think that no matter where I am in my life, this post will be relevant to me. I hope you enjoy it.  It could be considered part of ScaryMommy’s Flashback Friday series, though sadly, that’s merely coincidence. I suck at planning.