I struggle with how much I should discipline my children. Since Cupcake is only 3.5yrs, and Geeklet is just a year old, this is definitely not the first time I’ll question myself. The problem is that in questioning myself, I find I’m lacking consistency. I’m failing them in my lack of conviction.
I was thinking about this around 5am this morning. I woke up when Cupcake called for me. She was scared. I told her she had no reason to be scared – Mommy and Daddy are right there in the house with her. We can hear her, and when she calls us, we come to her, see? No reason to be scared, baby. No reason to cry. Hush, hush, back to sleep.
She went back to sleep. She just needed to hear she was safe. She trusts that when I say it’s safe, it is.
I went back to sleep and the thought drifted into my head that I don’t want her to fear me – to fear that I won’t follow through, that I won’t be there, that I won’t love her enough. I don’t want my children to fear me, but then again, I do. A little.
I want them to be afraid that I’ll be disappointed in them, because I hope it will keep them from doing disappointing things. I want them to be afraid of my consequences, because I want them to stay safe and healthy and follow the rules. Right now, I want them to just stay in the damn corner when I give a time-out for hitting because god-dammit it’s not effective if you keep running off.
Yesterday, Cupcake deliberately hit Geeklet after we had just spoken about how hitting is not OK, it’s naughty, it hurts Geeklet and Geeklet will cry, and we don’t want to make her sad because we love her! So no hitting. Then she balled up her little toddler fist, looked at me and hit her.
I gave her a time-out. Or, I tried. She kept running around, and I tried to take a page from Super Nanny’s book and just silently, sternly, firmly place her back in the corner until she understood that yes, I would do this all damn day.
Then my mother called. And I didn’t want her to hear that I was giving Cupcake a time out. I didn’t want her to question my methods or my disciplinary action, or accuse me of being too harsh. She disagrees with time out – and I truly don’t understand – and whenever Cupcake mentions that being naughty gets a time out, I get a lecture or snide comment about how we are obviously putting her in time out all the time. No, only when she is violent. Violence is not tolerated. Violence gets you a time out. End of story.
Somehow, my mother still disagrees. She seems to believe that Cupcake can’t make the connection between time out and what she did. That’s where she’s wrong. Cupcake totally gets it. That’s why she TELLS my mother about it! “Nana, I hit Geeklet and I was naughty and I got a time out and then I couldn’t play with my dollies.” Yeah, she gets it.
I was afraid of being judged by her and I let the time out slide. I let Cupcake walk off, without another word, and I failed her, because all I did was reinforce that yeah, if you run away from time out you’ll get away with it, so go ahead! Hitting is obviously not so bad!
I think part of the reason my mother disagrees with Time Out is because she thinks that you can raise children with only love. I disagree. You need to have a little bit of fear. Some fear of what Mommy and Daddy think. Fear of what they’ll revoke or what they’ll lecture you about. You need some fear. It’s not enough to love them and tell them about how some behavior is naughty. Yes, it’s preferable to have logical consequences but sometimes? The only logical consequence IS a time out. In my book, time out is a logical consequence to violence. If you are going to be violent then you are not going to be near people. Corner it is, my dear. I love you, I always love you, but you cannot hit anyone. I love them too. I can’t love them and you and let you hurt them.
I need to get over this fear of her judgment. I need to learn to trust that I know what’s best for her. I need to remember that yes, my mother spends her entire day with Cupcake every day and yes, she knows her very well. But I have to trust that I know my daughter too. I have to push aside feelings of inadequacy simply because I spend less time with her during the day. I need to remember that she is my daughter, not someone I babysit all evening through the morning. I have to stop worrying that I’m not a good enough mother because I don’t spend my day with her. I have to stop worrying that I don’t know them well enough. I have to trust myself.
Anyone know how to do that?
Not being a parent, I have no constructive suggestions. However, I’ll never forget the look on my mother’s face when I said (in general conversation, not “in the moment” or anything) that I was afraid of her. I had to explain that it was a *healthy* fear, one born more out of respect and a desire to NOT disappoint her.
I watched my (step) dad parent my siblings trying to be their best bud, with absolutely ZERO consistency, and neither of them have a shred of respect for him. Mom, on the other hand, was a *parent* first and foremost (wasn’t until I was in my 20’s that our relationship moved more to friendship, and even now at 32, she still mothers me *wink*), and we all have far more respect for her.
I guess what my tl;dr comment was attempting to say is that you’re doing right by the girls – by YOUR family – in parenting the best way you see fit. And if not as a parent, then as a former child, everyone needs consistency – hell, I *still* do.
You’re doing a great job. Don’t forget it, okay? <3
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MommyGeek Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 1:40 PM
@Chibi Jeebs, We’re definitely working on consistency. It’s hard – hard to be consistent when you’re so TIRED or so STRESSED or so BUSY but I know it’s worth it. Thanks for reinforcing that for me.
I want to be their friend and confidant but not at the cost of their respect for me.
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Chibi Jeebs Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 2:19 PM
@MommyGeek, I always hesitate when posting on a parenting issue because I’m *not* a parent and so don’t want to come off as that opinionated asshole, but I have this inherent need to help. Somehow. Even if it’s just to say “I’m here and I’m listening (reading).” That being said, I was a kid and have some idea of how I was parented affected me, and I do see how my friends’ parent their 5-year old.
And THAT being said, if you ever feel the need to tell me to pipe down, just say the word.
Love you, lady.
Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Close calls
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Oh hun. We’ve chatted before, you and I about mothers, or mothers in law. It doesn’t matter how much time they spend with them. It’s YOUR kid, not hers. You get to make the decisions. I discovered with my MIL I just had to be more vocal and firm. She’d probably say bitchy, but hey, if it gets the point across, then so be it.
Always trust your gut. ALWAYS. Its not about who spent more hours with her. It’s about the bond you share. THAT? Can’t be superseded by anything.
avasmommy´s last blog ..Mom
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MommyGeek Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 1:43 PM
@avasmommy, I get worried with Cupcake. I feel like our bond hasn’t developed as fully as it has with Geeklet – I was so severely depressed when she was born, and for nearly the first year and a half of her life… my mother has the advantage there. I think she knows it, and sometimes I feel like she uses it as leverage to try and force her ways on us. I need to learn to be stronger in my convictions and stand up for what I think is right for our family. It’s just so damn *hard* sometimes!
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As far as I’m concerned it doesn’t matter who looks after her during the day, you are mum and your word is law.
What you mention is a familiar struggle. I worry about being too harsh on my kid all the damn time, because he’s as sensitive as he is stubborn. I frequently cross the line between firebreathingly angry and Gentle But Firm and Implacable.
He won’t stay in the naughty corner either, but I will sit in front of him and shove his ass back in there until the two minutes are up, no matter how much he cries. And then I will give him a long cuddle and we will talk about why he was in there and what he did wrong and how to fix it.
I would like to be less angry, and there are times when I’m more irritable than I need to be for sure and then I give myself a time out and I walk away and breathe deeply and try to recapture a sense of perspective. But at the same time I do want him to be afraid of me. Some fear = healthy respect and it’s far different to a child being terrified or abused.
What my son has taught me so far is twofold:
1) you need to point out transgressions and consistenly reinforce their negative consequences 2) always give him a way to fix things, because the burden of guilt will just make him act up more.
So in case of violence, after a time out he has to go and apologise and hug whoever he hit.
It’s hard work, and it is tiring, but the priviledge of being a mum is that you get to make the rules and if there are mistakes to be made and learned from, then they are yours to make. You gave birth to them, now you get to make the decisions you think are right. Children are resilient. You are not abusing them. You are growing together and teaching one another.
Sometimes irreverence is a good thing. Mapping your fears. Seeing where they come from, what they are fed by. And deciding to be irreverent to their power, to pretend like they don’t matter. And if you keep it up long enough then pretending makes it so.
Your mother is not God or social services, and from previous posts it sounds like she has made her own share of parenting mistakes.
Also, your mum’s beliefs about parenting with love make me curious about whether she has experienced some of the same doubts and insecurities that you do, as a mum. That maybe she thinks that if she parents with anything except love she will be rejected and abandoned as a mother, or that she will go overboard. Have you ever had those kinds of conversations with her?
Nina´s last blog ..Letter to a bunch of cells cavorting in my uterus
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MommyGeek Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 1:44 PM
@Nina, this is a great comment, thank you. I am saving this one to read again and again when I’m ready to give up. This gave me strength. Thank you.
I always thought that standing there and keeping her in the corner would somehow undermine the whole purpose – maybe give her too much attention? How has it worked for you?
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Discilpline (IMO) is the hardest part of parenting. It’s so hard to find what works (& it’s always changing), to trust yourself and to be consistent. Not too mention getting on the same page consistently with your spouse. Oy.
I think my parents & in-laws think we should spank. It’s so hard to feel like they’re disapproving, but I feel strongly about doing it our way, so I try not to fret.
This stage (3/4) is so hard because they’re testing every. single. limit. And our patience. I struggle the most with keeping the anger/snark out of my voice (b/c that will come back to bite me in the butt when she’s older), but sometimes I think that it’s good for her to know her actions made me angry, so she realizes it’s OK to be angry & it doesn’t take away the love, AND that she thinks about the fact that her actions can have negative impact on people & world around her. It’s all so, so hard. Wish I could farm out the discipline side of parenting. Sigh.
LOVE the new layout!! xoxox
PsychMamma´s last blog ..H1N1 Vaccine Info
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MommyGeek Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 1:49 PM
@PsychMamma, you’re dealing with the opposite of me! It’s so interesting – even with your degree, your parents and in-laws still tell you how you should parent!
That’s a good point about being angry, I’ll have to remember to make my next angry moment into a teaching opportunity. I’ve been getting angry too much lately, and we’re trying to find a better way to deal with our frustration with her, and recognize that when it becomes a vicious cycle, we’re doing something wrong.
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I think consistency is the best thing we can do for our children when it comes to discipline. I have five and while I am not expert I learned quickly that even children as young as 1 can understand right and wrong when it comes to certain things. Two books that might work well for you is 1-2-3 Magic or New Parent Power. I used to read and go along with all of Jane Nelson’s books but some of those techniques made me look like a joke to my kids. Don’t worry about what others think of your parenting and how you discipline, use caller ID if you have to if your mom calls while you are having moments with your kids.
Keep being fantastic!
Kim @ Beautiful Wreck´s last blog ..Woe Is Me
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MommyGeek Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 1:50 PM
@Kim @ Beautiful Wreck, Thank you for the book suggestions! I’m putting those on the list for when I’m at B&N next.
And I know it sounds stupid, but for some reason, I never considered just calling her back in a little while when it was over.
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I think that this is a constant struggle. I don’t know that I have any answers. Each kid is different. But consistency is a must. No matter what, remember that they are your girls, not hers. You are the one responsible for how they turn out.
Time out is a good one. Also, taking away whatever is the favorite toy of the moment, or a TV show that they want to watch. I don’t take away treats, because I will never make food an issue. But TV or an extra whatever, yes for sure. The older she gets, she will respond differently.
Issa´s last blog ..Can you be a pessimist with optimistic moments?
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MommyGeek Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 1:52 PM
@Issa, good job with the food, I definitely don’t use food (unless it’s “eat your dinner or no dessert”) as a punishment or threat.
Lately I’ve been trying something new, and when it’s not a violent act, instead of putting *her* in a time out, I tell her that one of her toys will be in time out for the rest of the day, or a few hours, or whatever. It seems to be working? I think. Time will tell, I suppose, whether it ultimately has been effective. Here’s hoping, though….
Thank you for reminding me — ultimately I AM responsible – with Hubby – for how they turn out. So you’re right; it’s my call, I need to stand up for it. I’m totally using that line next time my mother gives me shit, by the way.
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For me, what I do is remind myself that I am not just raising children, I am raising future adults. I am setting the basis for what kind of people they will be, and that is very important to me. And kids who are not disciplined do not make good adults. And it’s really hard for them when they realize the world does not, in fact, revolve around them and that there are consequences for bad behavior.
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MommyGeek Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 1:53 PM
@dysfunctional mom, I totally agree, and I’m so glad to know that even if my mother thinks that I’m a horrible mother… well, if I can be consistent, then I can raise happy and healthy and well-adjusted adults. I need to keep that goal in mind more often. It’s very easy to get caught up in the moment, even in discipline. Or maybe especially, since emotions can run so high.
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I am pretty strict about time-out in my house. It is not just for violence – I also use it when the kids won’t follow directions or break a rule. We have had days were Porgie decided to wander off from the time-out chair, so I created a punishment for that too. It is called “Going to bed early,” which doesn’t actually describe the punishment, but that is what Porgie calls it. When she won’t stay in time-out, I put her in her crib, turn the lights out, and close the bedroom door. I leave her in the crib for the same amount of time I would have put her in time-out (usually about 2 minutes). She absolutely HATES “Going to bed early.”
Anyways, I definitely think kids need boundaries. But you are right that they also need consistency. If you like time-outs, use it every time she misbehaves.
As far as your mother goes, good luck! I have no idea how to help you with that one.
christy´s last blog ..Foolish Frog
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