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posts theorizing or discussiong parenting techniques/philosphies but not necessary stories about family life, or tech.

Excess

Categories: philosophy | Tags: , , , , ,

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the American lifestyle. Lately, when I think about it, it all comes down to one thing – excess. 

My husband and I are starting to diet. We’re out of shape and overweight. We live a relatively sedentary lifestyle, despite two young kiddos, and we want to change it. He’s working out every day and dieting, and I am dieting, and trying to figure out where the nearest Zumba class is. 

Here’s the thing though: the biggest impact on our dieting is the quantity of food and exercise. We eat too much food. We sit on our butts too much. We have basically been fat and lazy and content. We’re going to lose weight because we aren’t over eating anymore – in a world where there are so many who don’t get to eat every day, who die from starvation. 

Honestly the whole thing makes me sick. I feel horrible. It’s sort of like survivors guilt – I wonder why or how I got so lucky. What did I do to deserve a life where my biggest problem right now is over eating?!

There are so many who have nothing – even in America, I know it. I see it. I read about it. In small ways, such small ways, I try to combat it. America has poverty. But America also has a lot of excess. 

I engage in social media. I blog. I spend a lot of time online or watching TV or watching TV and talking about it online, or playing with my kids and blogging about it or on the phone with my mom chatting and sometimes I am just overwhelmed with the feeling of oh my god what am I doing with my life?!

I went to see Avatar last night, and preceding the movie was a commercial for Jeep Cherokee – the newest, latest and greatest version. The commercial was focused – incredibly effectively, actually – on how America has always been a country of folks who take pride in creating - a country that takes pride in work, and a job well done. I’m not in the market for a new car, but it made me stop and think. I can’t say that I necessarily believe that’s what America stands for these days. It’s how we were founded, and I think even 40-50 years ago this was the case. But it’s deteriorating. We’re focused on doing more with less and with less effort. No one seems to care about quality anymore. We’re all just getting by. What happened? I don’t understand. I’m not sure if I’m proud to be part of this generation when I think of it that way. 

Excessive waste, money, pride, food, boredom, demands, gimmicks, weight, impatience, anger. We could do without an excess of these things. We could do well with less of these things and more love, compassion, generosity, patience, fraternity, motivation, understanding, honesty. Hard work. Diligence. Strength. 

Maybe this is the point where some people turn to God. He and I don’t have a great relationship yet, but I’m slowly – very slowly – working on it. Working on faith, and trust. Working on being a better person. Working on charity. Holding my temper even when it means holding my tongue. 

Maybe I start small. Maybe I try to do one nice thing every day. I think I could do that. 

Can you?

 

2 Comments

Superstitions {GTT}

Categories: General, about mommygeekology, philosophy | Tags:
When I first set off the write this post for Girl Talk Thursday I said to myself, “Self, you are not a very superstitious person. What are you going to write about?”
But as I started to think on it, I realized that I do a have a few superstitions. Examples!
1. I think Friday the 13th is a lucky day. In fact, I think 13 is a lucky number in general.
2. I don’t think you should ever go to bed angry, it invites disaster.
3. If I have a bad feeling about a place or situation, I avoid it like the damn plague. I would rather be wrong and look like a fool than be right and regret it.
4. I think you should wear something borrowed, blue, old and new on your wedding day.
Superstitions I don’t believe in!
1. I don’t think it affects anything one way or another if you tell people you are pregnant before the second trimester.
2. I don’t think throwing salt over my shoulder will bring me luck or ward off bad luck.
3. I don’t believe fortune cookies.
4. I am not concerned about broken mirrors, black cats, or the position of a ladder in relation to my path.
What about you? Write your own post and link it up, and make sure to read every else’s posts. Read Colleen’s post! You just might find something new to be paranoid about!
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String Around My Finger

Categories: General, making memories, philosophy | Tags: , , , , , ,

I think I am becoming a better mom.  I know that I am trying.  I know that my relationship with my oldest daughter is improving.  I know that I am finally making up for mistakes made early on in motherhood.

I am proud of myself.  I am proud of her.  I am proud of our family.  I think we’re doing OK.

But today I am feeling glum and dejected for no reason.  I am getting my period.  So I am reminding myself.  We are a pretty happy family.  We are a lucky family.  We love each other.  We are trying.

We are not perfect.

We don’t need to be.

We’re OK just as we are, and it doesn’t matter if others do not agree.  I am happy to listen to anyone’s criticism to see if there is a way that I may improve.  But that doesn’t mean I will change anything.

And that’s OK too.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember.

8 Comments

They Weren't Kidding When They Said to Just Relax!

Categories: about mommygeekology, making memories, married life, philosophy | Tags: ,

Have you ever asked someone older and wiser and more fuckable than you for advice on sex? There’s a good chance that sage slut said “Just relax!”

You probably nodded like that made sense, then muttered “easy for you to say, whore”and stomped off to sulk and panic.

That never happened to me, of course.

For Mother’s Day, my husband got us sex toys. Specifically some bondage toys. We’ve been wanting to learn more about BDSM and incorporate more than a few cub scout knots and creative dirty talk into our play.

Now, I’ve mentioned to A (husband) a few times that I wouldn’t mind trying a few of the advanced rope techniques outside of the typical intense official “scene”. In fact, for safety’s sake, it would be my preference. He admitted that weekend that he finally realized that I meant we could make our play more casual. That it was ok to try and figure out how to tie a chest harness while watching the latest episode of Chuck..

We tried it the other night. We started off casually, laughing a little at first and then, as we got more adventurous, a lot. Send just as quickly, we went from laughing hysterically to gasping though one of the best sexual experiences of our lives.

The best part was that, because we were so relaxed, we communicated our needs more readily and more clearly. That can only lead to more awesome sex.

I don’t think I have ever been more satisfied with a sexual encounter. In other words, it was fucking awesome.

6 Comments

Sunday Memories

Categories: making memories, philosophy | Tags: , , , ,

Today rocked. I mean seriously rocked. In the morning I got to sleep in (after being up with the baby for an hour from 5am to 6am  & then waking hubby to switch out).  I was in bed until 8:30am and that rocked hardcore.

The kids played all morning, inside & outside. I got some critical project work done and then it was naptime. Naptime yesterday didn’t happen. Hubby tried, and it just didn’t work out.. his reaction wasn’t right, her reaction wasn’t right.. it just didn’t work. I knew today would be tough so I took it, I’ve had more success adapting to her mood & switching up my naptime style than DaddyGeek does.

Everything was all good until the second potty trip, and then she started up with bouncing on the bed, giggling, and generally doing whatever she could to stay awake. I opted to talk to her about it rather than play “stern mommy”, and it actually worked.  I told her that even if she didn’t want to nap, she needed one, she had to nap, and those were the rules. I can’t change the rules, babygirl. She finally settled down. She wasn’t happy about it. Then she conked, because DUH, she was tired even though she refused to admit it :)

So, for an hour while both kids slept, IT WAS BLISS. Got more critical project work done. Then we all packed up & headed to the park to enjoy the rest of the day. We played at the park, then got ice cream, then headed home and had movie night. Watched UP!, ate popcorn, ate pizza & mozarella sticks, and generally didn’t do *anything* until bedtime. That, also, was awesome.

These are the kinds of weekends I want to be having with my kids. Not a sequence of two stressed out, running around, errand-doing days. I want to make memories.

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Naptime Shenanigans

Categories: about mommygeekology, featured, philosophy | Tags: , , ,

We’ve always had trouble with Cupcake & naps. She’s 3.5 now, and the mistakes that we made over, oh, the last three years are coming back to bit us in the ass, repeatedly, continuously.

A few months ago we finally got to a point where she was falling asleep within 15 minutes or so. We were still sitting in the room with her while she went to sleep, but we could see the light at the end of the tunnel. A time when we could read her a story, give her a kiss and be on our merry way while she put herself to sleep in her bed like a big girl.

Three weeks ago something changed. I don’t know what it was, but something triggered a bad reaction from her, a bad naptime, a bad experience… and now naptime at our house stresses her out to the point that (again) sometime she wakes up, panics, and vomits.

I feel like the worst mother in the world.

I didn’t recognize the signs quickly enough. For the first two weekends after the change, I reacted badly. I threw my own tantrums right alongside hers. I yelled and threatened, I revoked movie privileges and refused ice cream requests.  I cried and I told her I was disappointed in her. I reacted badly.

I should have realized that she was in fight or flight mode. I should have recognized the signs of stress. I should have nipped it in the bud.  Ultimately my reaction those two weeks just made it worse.

It took two and a half hours yesterday to get her to take her nap. She finally fell asleep after I changed my approach. I resolved to be calm – so calm, in fact, that she asked me why I was acting like a statue. I was determined to simply place her back in the bed when she sat up, stood up, rolled over, wiggled around. I resolved to calmly tell her over and over again that this was naptime, not playtime, and that we needed to sleep so our bodies could get a chance to grow and be strong. So we could have a good afternoon. So Mommy could get rid of her headache. So she could watch a movie/play outside/have ice cream after dinner.

It took about 40 more minutes for her to calm down, but she finally did.  I saw her relax, and I took my chance. I asked her if she wanted to try napping again. She agreed, and she was out cold in less than 10 minutes.

I’m trying to focus on the final success, the tactic that worked. I’m trying to focus on the fact that I managed to finally step outside her room, take one minute to sob and one minute to collect myself, and walk back in with a better attitude. It’s hard, but I need to stop getting stressed by her. I am the parent, I need to be in control.

I am trying not to remember that when Geeklet woke up from her nap two minutes after Cupcake fell asleep that I cried like a two year old. I am trying not to remember that half an hour later, when I realized DaddyGeek wasn’t coming back after work because he was starting his night class, that I felt like screaming and I stomped around the apartment for a few minutes, irrationally angry at him.

I’m trying to focus on the good and on improving, because nothing else is worthwhile.  At this point, my little girl needs me to help her stop being scared. And focusing on anything else is just a waste of time.

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Top Ten Reasons I Want to Be a Ninja Mom.

Categories: about mommygeekology, featured, married life, philosophy | Tags: , ,

Ninja Eyes (from http://www.twitbackgroundimages.com/)

Photo from http://www.twitbackgroundimages.com

  1. If I were a Ninja Mom, I would never forget bags at the grocery checkout. Ninjas are very observant.
  2. Ninja Moms never have to be Yelly Moms, because no one fucks with a Ninja.
  3. A Ninja Mom always catches the baby when she tries to walk off the couch, because she started walking too early to have enough sense in her head that walking off the couch = OWIE.
  4. If I were a Ninja Mom, my husband would never question my judgment. If he did question my judgment, it would be the last time he questioned anything.
  5. A Ninja Mom is always slim and sexy, no post-baby-pooch and certainly no watching my carbs because it’ll go to my hips.
  6. Ninja Moms never have to worry about getting fired, because Ninja Moms are always a minority. And highly litigious.
  7. A Ninja Mom never gets caught up in Mommy Wars, because other Mommies would never dare brag in front of a Ninja.
  8. Ninja Moms never stutter when trying to order a drink at Starbucks, because Ninjas speak many languages. Even Starbucksese.
  9. A Ninja Mom would never worry about raising teenage girls, because she could stalk and kill any potential suitors.
  10. Ninja Moms get great discounts everywhere. It’s even better than AAA.

I am a ninja. My piercing gaze strikes fear into your heart.

13 Comments

Affirmation {Songs & Meaning}

Categories: about mommygeekology, married life, philosophy | Tags: , , , , ,

About a kajillion years ago, in 1999, when the dinosaurs roamed the earth, Savage Garden came out with a song that rocked me to my core. Affirmation. This song is everything I’ve ever thought. This song is like my mission statement. This song is my prayer. This song weaves melody and words into the intricate patterns that make up the tapestry of my heart and soul.

“I believe the sun should never set upon an argument”

This is a rule in my home, and I try to adhere to it as much as possible. Don’t go to bed angry, my grandmother and my mother have always said. It’s a way to make sure we make an effort to make it right. It’s how we ensure that resentment and anger don’t fester overnight, flooding our dreams, filling us will anxiety. It’s an affirmation of our love and devotion to each other as a family or as friends, a way to say this means something to me.

“I believe we place our happiness in other people’s hands…I believe I’m loved when I’m completely by myself alone”

We look too often to outside sources for happiness and confidence. We rely heavily on our friendships, social standing, careers or otherwise to provide us the happiness that we crave and deserve. It’s not always bad. A community, friendships, careers, these are all great things. But I also believe that we need to reach deep down within ourselves and find a happiness there. A happiness in just being alive, a happiness in being ourselves regardless of our circumstances, our friendships or status symbols. We need some joy in ourselves, and we need to protect it like the most precious gem. There will always be times of hardship, and that gem may save us and give us the strength to rise above.

“I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do”

Isn’t that what we’re all doing? It doesn’t mean there aren’t bad parents out there. It doesn’t mean that they didn’t know it was wrong, or know they should do better. But I think that it’s fair to say that we’re doing the best job we know how to do. Now, whether that’s actually any good or not… well time will tell.

“I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned”

I try to do good deeds. I try to hold doors, and put my grocery cart away, and spread a little love and happiness where I can, when I can. I give to charities but I also love to send my friends little gifts and care packages… just because. I hope that my kind words and good deeds have something to do with the luck, love and happiness that I’ve had in my life.

“I believe you can’t appreciate real love ’til you’ve been burned”

I have this theory about love. I think that every love counts. Puppy love, “true love” – it doesn’t matter. It all counts. I think we have a tendency to look back on our lives, once we attain what we feel is the greatest pinnacle of love we’ve ever achieved, and say – “that wasn’t really love“. I disagree. I think we loved as well as we knew how. We loved to our fullest capacity. It hurt when it ended, but I believe that with that love, and that hurt, we allowed our hearts to grow to accept greater love (and, subsequently, greater pain). I love my husband with every fiber of my being. But if I die tomorrow? I hope that he goes on to find someone else to love, eventually. I hope it will be a love just as great, or greater, than ours is now.

“I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye”

Every story has at least two sides, and every side has it’s trials and tribulations. Nothing is perfect, nothing, no matter how it may appear. When I drive on the highway, I usually pick a lane and stick to it. History has told me that unless I’m willing to be reckless, switching to a lane that appears to be going faster never helps. Traffic is going the same way. Eventually that lane will slow and I’ll look longingly at the car I was behind just a few minutes ago as it speeds past. I believe that loss sharpens our vision and provides enough perspective for us to see what we may have been missing or taking for granted.

“I believe you can’t control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed”

I’m bisexual, and when I was in high school my mother asked me when I was going to “get over this phase.” It was one of the most hurtful things she’s ever said to me, because she didn’t, and couldn’t, accept who I am. It doesn’t come up anymore because I’m married to a man, but it still hurts. I’m married to a man whom I trust and love, and our sexual preferences mean that one day, we may invite someone else into our bedroom from time to time. Trust is more important than monogamy. We’ve both changed since we were married. We aren’t as skinny as we used to be. I don’t wear makeup every day anymore. But it doesn’t matter. We love each other as whole people – not as an attractive combination of body parts.  Our love is more than a raw sexual passion. I use a tag on this site – marital bliss – you’ll note that those posts aren’t all about being naked. I mean, some of them are… but you get my point.

“I believe that family is worth more than money or gold”

I don’t think that I need to elaborate much on this one. If there is any one of you who disagrees with this statement I will say that I cannot fathom, at all, what you are thinking. I’d add to this list that my friends? My friends fall just beneath my family. Money is farther down… and only important in that it allows me to provide for my family, and my friends.

“I believe in love surviving death into eternity”

I believe in Heaven, or some version of it. I believe that we will see our loved ones again. I believe that I will be able to look down & watch over my loved ones when I die.  Barring that, then at least let me wander the earth as a ghost of some sort so I can scare the bejeezus out of anyone trying to hurt my friends or family. Or both. I’m good with both.

In all seriousness though – I don’ t think love stops when we die. Those who are living continue to love us, and I believe that those who pass to wherever, or whatever, the Other Side is, continue to love us as well.

Full lyrics

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people’s hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it’s bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I’m loved when I’m completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can’t appreciate real love ’til you’ve been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye

I believe you can’t control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can’t appreciate real love ’til you’ve been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can’t appreciate real love ’til you’ve been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye

12 Comments

Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Categories: about mommygeekology, featured, philosophy | Tags: , , ,

britney-spearsI identify strongly with Britney Spears. Not in a show-my-hoochie-cuz-I-don’t-wear-panties way, or a crazy-behavior-for-shock-value way. I identify with her as a singer, a performer, a young girl, who is desperately trying to find her way in this world. I followed, and still follow, news stories about her closely. I read the gossip mags looking for a shred of truth, I listen to the lyrics of her songs, I buy her albums and I wonder, often, what it would be like to live her life.

Let’s lay it out in black & white:

Similarities:

  • We are both in our late 20s – in fact, we’re about a year apart in age
  • We are both singers (though, admittedly, she is more of a performer than songstress)
  • We are both dancers (though, admittedly, I haven’t danced in years and I am nowhere near as good)
  • We both married early
  • We both have two children (hers boys, mine girls) around the same ages
  • We both have divorced parents
  • We both gained a little weight after having kids (Gasp, normal!)
  • We both have our belly buttons pierced

Differences:

  • Clearly, I am not a celebrity, and therefore, I don’t have the stress (and yes, fun) that comes with that
  • I’m not divorced
  • My mother or father are not acting as conservator of my affairs, my life
  • I haven’t been married more than once
  • No one has taken my children from me
  • I haven’t been forcibly hospitalized
  • She had a personal trainer to help her lose weight and look HAWT again

The differences seem so clear until I look more closely. What is that list, really, except a list of chance? The lines get blurred when I wonder if I were somehow catapulted to stardom at a young age, who is to say that I wouldn’t eventually crumble under the pressure, using my behavior and words to desperately reach out for help from someone, anyone? Who can say that I wouldn’t go a little bit crazy from untreated depression? I’ve been there, depressed, horribly depressed. My family helped me. What if my family weren’t so aware of my depression? What if I were surrounded by an environment where it was not OK to be depressed, to have issues, to need help? What if?

When I look at stories of her from two, three years ago or more, I just see a scared little girl. I see someone screaming for help and I see the world capitalizing on it, ignoring the real message, judging. I want to scream at them – what if it was your friend? Your daughter? Your mother? Would you just sit back and watch or would you do something?

I look at her now and I see someone who, having received the help she needed, has gotten back on track. Who has accomplished more in her young life than I will likely ever accomplish. Who has gone through hell and back and who will hopefully be a better person for that experience. I see someone who needed family and friends to lean on.

That’s not so different than I. That’s not so different than any of us.

I’m sure it’s not just me. Who do you identify with?

7 Comments

Parenting with Love

Categories: about mommygeekology, featured, philosophy | Tags: , , , , , ,

I struggle with how much I should discipline my children. Since Cupcake is only 3.5yrs, and Geeklet is just a year old, this is definitely not the first time I’ll question myself. The problem is that in questioning myself, I find I’m lacking consistency. I’m failing them in my lack of conviction.

I was thinking about this around 5am this morning. I woke up when Cupcake called for me. She was scared. I told her she had no reason to be scared  – Mommy and Daddy are right there in the house with her. We can hear her, and when she calls us, we come to her, see? No reason to be scared, baby. No reason to cry. Hush, hush, back to sleep.

She went back to sleep. She just needed to hear she was safe. She trusts that when I say it’s safe, it is.

I went back to sleep and the thought drifted into my head that I don’t want her to fear me – to fear that I won’t follow through, that I won’t be there, that I won’t love her enough. I don’t want my children to fear me, but then again, I do. A little.

I want them to be afraid that I’ll be disappointed in them, because I hope it will keep them from doing disappointing things. I want them to be afraid of my consequences, because I want them to stay safe and healthy and follow the rules. Right now, I want them to just stay in the damn corner when I give a time-out for hitting because god-dammit it’s not effective if you keep running off.

Yesterday, Cupcake deliberately hit Geeklet after we had just spoken about how hitting is not OK, it’s naughty, it hurts Geeklet and Geeklet will cry, and we don’t want to make her sad because we love her! So no hitting. Then she balled up her little toddler fist, looked at me and hit her.

I gave her a time-out. Or, I tried. She kept running around, and I tried to take a page from Super Nanny’s book and just silently, sternly, firmly place her back in the corner until she understood that yes, I would do this all damn day.

Then my mother called. And I didn’t want her to hear that I was giving Cupcake a time out. I didn’t want her to question my methods or my disciplinary action, or accuse me of being too harsh. She disagrees with time out – and I truly don’t understand – and whenever Cupcake mentions that being naughty gets a time out, I get a lecture or snide comment about how we are obviously putting her in time out all the time. No, only when she is violent. Violence is not tolerated. Violence gets you a time out. End of story.

Somehow, my mother still disagrees. She seems to believe that Cupcake can’t make the connection between time out and what she did. That’s where she’s wrong. Cupcake totally gets it. That’s why she TELLS my mother about it! “Nana, I hit Geeklet and I was naughty and I got a time out and then I couldn’t play with my dollies.” Yeah, she gets it.

I was afraid of being judged by her and I let the time out slide. I let Cupcake walk off, without another word, and I failed her, because all I did was reinforce that yeah, if you run away from time out you’ll get away with it, so go ahead! Hitting is obviously not so bad!

I think part of the reason my mother disagrees with Time Out is because she thinks that you can raise children with only love. I disagree. You need to have a little bit of fear. Some fear of what Mommy and Daddy think. Fear of what they’ll revoke or what they’ll lecture you about. You need some fear. It’s not enough to love them and tell them about how some behavior is naughty. Yes, it’s preferable to have logical consequences but sometimes? The only logical consequence IS a time out. In my book, time out is a logical consequence to violence. If you are going to be violent then you are not going to be near people. Corner it is, my dear. I love you, I always love you, but you cannot hit anyone. I love them too. I can’t love them and you and let you hurt them.

I need to get over this fear of her judgment. I need to learn to trust that I know what’s best for her. I need to remember that yes, my mother spends her entire day with Cupcake every day and yes, she knows her very well. But I have to trust that I know my daughter too. I have to push aside feelings of inadequacy simply because I spend less time with her during the day. I need to remember that she is my daughter, not someone I babysit all evening through the morning. I have to stop worrying that I’m not a good enough mother because I don’t spend my day with her. I have to stop worrying that I don’t know them well enough. I have to trust myself.

Anyone know how to do that?

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