Yesterday was my birthday, and you know what that means: birthday sex. Sex exactly the way I want it – all about me me me me me me me. Yes. Moi Me. MY sex.

I’ve been preparing. Thinking about exactly what I want, buying supplies, even getting the kids into bed early.  I found my sexy nightgown, my sexy toys, and put everything in one place in the closet so it would be ready as soon as both children were asleep.

My birthday has recently (in the last five years or so) been a very emotional day for me. I end up crying for no reason and sometimes with reason, and it doesn’t usually go as planned, but yesterday I knew that I’d have my birthday sex and it would be awesome. It would make this birthday, my 25th, memorable.

Fast forward to last night, 8:30pm. The kids are asleep, early, and DaddyGeek and I are looking at each other expectantly. We watch a half hour of TV and then the foreplay starts. He asks me to get a few supplies, and as I’m gathering things together, we hear Cupcake wake up, whimpering, over the baby monitor. Whimpering, then full blown screaming, shrieking, freaking out.

FUCK.

I ran into the bedroom to assure her that I was there, Mommy was there, she was safe, it was just a bad dream. She’s panicking, though, and I can tell what’s coming next. I cup my hand beneath her mouth just in time to catch the first round of vomit. DaddyGeek is quick to realize what’s happening and shows up with a towel to spread over the bed and baby wipes to help clean things up a little bit. I wipe what I’ve caught in my hands in time for the next round of vomit. Rinse, repeat. She threw up everything in her stomach.  She vomited 10-12 times and after some water, a few back rubs and her binkies back (she still sleeps with them) and she went back to sleep.

Needless to say, catching vomit in your hands is slightly less than sexy, even when you’re doing it in a slinky negligee without any underwear on.

We took a break to watch Desperate Housewives before we tried again. By that time, everything was quiet. The children were sleeping soundly, and it was just us. Oh sweet, sweet silence. We couldn’t find any music to put on, so we decided to forgo it (music had been on my list of “wants” for birthday sex) and get going.

I won’t detail everything that happened next for your sake, but suffice to say it was sexy. Another item on my list? A blindfold. And a lot of foreplay. DaddyGeek delivered – about half an hour later, we were just sampling the main course, so to speak, when we heard some noises over the baby monitor. We tried to ignore it at first and keep going. It was so. damn. good. We couldn’t. You just can’t ignore a toddler whimpering pathetically in her sleep when trying to boink your husband. Or anyone, for that matter.

And so it happened that my 25th Birthday Sexcapade was more like an Almost-Sexcapade with BONUS! Vomit, and very, very memorable.