A number of high-profile celebrity splits have made headlines in recent years. You would think it would be for how nasty they might be, but some of the splits are notorious for actually how cordial they are. Are peaceful divorces possible for common folk? There are a number of tips you can follow if you’d like to be a part of on yourself.
It’s not news that Hollywood stars split up. However, recent power couples, such as Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow, or Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani, stated in public that while their marriage might end, they intended to emphasize their children with co-parenting. In at least the eye of the public, such celebrity parents look like they’re the embodiment of peaceful divorces, perhaps even a wave of the future? On the other hand, how can an average couple actually do this in reality? It’s sad to say, but in many cases, the children often become the vehicles parents wind up expressing hurt feelings through. They’ll speak very poorly about the other parent, even trying to keep kids away from them in cases where there isn’t harm. However, children need to feel like they have not one but two loving parents. So, if there are kids in the picture, one big rule of a peaceful divorce is avoiding bad-mouthing your soon-to-be or recent ex when in the presence of your children.
For starters, consider what you might think a peaceful divorce looks like. Is it a case where you and the spouse are always cordial to each other in court hallways and hearings? Is it when your spouse might disagree with the various terms laid out by your family law attorney in Columbus OH but signs off anyway just to end the process? Is it when your spouse and you do all you can to stay away from each other yet stay polite in front of the kids, walking on eggshells knowing things could go badly any time? None of these cases really apply as peaceful divorces, as they are more like happy-face stickers slapped over a service engine soon light, because there’s trouble under the hood. Knowing how to do a peaceful divorce might be different in every relationship and can’t possibly be covered fully by one article, but the following paragraphs have wisdom you can use.
In short, there are five steps to most peaceful divorces. The first step is making the decision to get a divorce but not to pin blame. The next step is focusing on the larger picture. Third, go about the divorce agreement negotiations in good faith. The fourth step applies if there are kids in the picture, as you need to place their needs first and foremost, creating a great parenting plant and then being good co-parents after you finalize your divorce. Finally, work through all terms of the settlement agreement in an atmosphere of dignity and mutual respect, hopefully out of court and not even involving lawyers or attorneys except when need be. These are the keys crucial to an amicable divorce.
It also helps to maintain traditions that you might have once enjoyed together as a family if you have children. That lets children know that their family is the same, even when a divorce creates new families or family members. Critical times for children are when they’re most likely to be consumed with sadness, like holidays and birthdays. These need to continue being family celebrations. Children often find genuine comfort and structure in repetitions of shared family traditions, even if it might be something simple like hayrides to look for a Halloween pumpkin, or perhaps a park picnic for a birthday. Such traditions let kids know that even if a marriage is over, the family is still very much there.
You have to conquer both baggage from the past and your current demons. A divorce isn’t going to mean that all your accumulated problems and pain are going to magically disappear. You must learn to move on from what happened to you. Read books, talk to your friends, or even consider seeing a professional counselor to find healing with your old wounds. That not only helps you find closure on your old relationship, but it means you won’t carry negativity into your next relationship.
Don’t be spiteful. When you’re going through a divorce, you might succumb to thinking you won’t be dealing with your spouse for very much longer. You might feel free to do whatever you possibly want, regardless of whether they like it or not. However, if there are kids in the picture, they’re going to be dealing with your spouse every week, and sometimes even on a daily basis. So, never do anything that might hurt them just due to you getting a divorce. It won’t help your current or future relationship.
Let the love go. You initially fell in love with them for specific reasons, even if just one. So, chances are good you still care for pieces of them. That remaining fraction of love has to be let go if you want your divorce to be peaceful. It’s okay to still care about them; they’re still the other parent of your kids. There’s just no more room for romance. If you don’t let that go, your romantic investment remains, and you’ll be unduly concerned about what they’re doing, dating, etc. After a divorce, quite a few requests are no longer valid or polite, nor can you expect positive responses because they care for you anymore. Once you let your love go, you won’t behave in ways that they expect, but you also won’t be angry or hurt when you have a request that is not honored. You’ll also move on faster.
Letting go of anger is just as important as letting go of love. Forgiveness isn’t about absolving a spouse of all wrongdoing, nor is it about your soon-to-be ex sleeping soundly at night because you aren’t mad. In truth, forgiveness isn’t even about them. It’s for you. You simply decide that older issues aren’t going to affect you any longer. You simply let go of the old damaging patterns, even if your ex still lingers on them.
One crucial thing to know is that you have the power to enjoy a peaceful divorce even if your spouse isn’t interested. It might take some time for them to accept that they can’t get to you emotionally, but hopefully it won’t take long to see things your way. The less you resist a divorce and let it go smoothly, the faster you’ll move on with your life. And that’s why you needed a divorce in the first place.
